2 - Toilet Matters

One doesn't want to dwell on such things but they are common to all and, as should be the case when one is discussing the usefulness or otherwise of anything, it would be wrong to let squeamishness get in the way of one of the most practical uses of our fowl.

The most perfunctory appraisal of a goose in a lavatorial context makes clear that, in size and shape, no creature is better suited to the wiping of ones arse. Standing at its full height the adult goose presents its ergonomically shaped neck at the perfect angle. Using a sweeping motion into a half crouch, moving from the head towards the tail, one is gently relieved of the detritus remaining after one has made one's stool. More stubborn remains can be shifted by briskly rubbing in the contrary direction. The natural oils present in the goose's feathers function both as a soothing emollient for the posterior and make the subsequent cleaning of the goose an easy task. Indeed, if your goose has (as it should) easy access to a body of water the goose will prepare itself for its next use.

(I have since discovered, courtesy of the inimitable "QI", that Rabelais also regarded the Goose as the ultimate toilet mate. Great minds, eh?)

1 - The Siege of Stalingrad

The besieged Russians gathered all the geese they could find (and there were many). Sacrificing some of their precious supplies they fed the geese on vodka soaked grain. These weaponized fowl were then sent forth across the German lines with lit cigarettes inserted in their parson's noses. The results were messy but ineffective.